2. How Free-Time Became So Scary
Hey everyone.
You know the feeling. The sudden weightlessness when you realize you have some time for yourself, followed by a mini heart-attack when you have to decide how to use it!
It’s like everything you “should” do pops up from the bottom-of-your-to-do-list, threatening to keep you on-task forever. Then, thoughts of what you could do get you thinking creatively, until you realize that everyone you’d want to do it with is busy. It all makes us wonder, “when did free time become so limiting?”
To answer this, let’s take it back to when our babies were born, the day we really began this marathon of Mothering, right after the most physically demanding feat of our lives, giving birth. We started the toughest job we’ll ever do tired as hell. And though we only spend part of it running, we are all in ‘til the very end.
The early days of our newborn’s life keep us so focused on the basic needs of food, sleep, and a functioning home that it can be hard to even fathom doing something for enjoyment’s sake.
When I see parents with a baby, sipping lattes at a cafe while Baby sleeps in their stroller, I think of how delicious, but fragile those moments are. Like, at any minute, the quiet eye contact and warm connection those parents are enjoying together will come to an end when those pretty little eyes open. Or when I look back at playing under the shade of a beach umbrella for our baby boy’s first Summer, I remember how breathless I was after carrying him, and the umbrella, across the sand in full sun. Our photos look effortless, but every outing was a feat of endurance for awhile.
Whether we have one baby, or multiples, older children or not, are pregnant again, or not, we start getting used to the idea that doing fun stuff is a LOT of work for the actual time we get to enjoy it. Because with a baby, it is. And with laundry, food prep, dishes, adulting, and work duties, there’s not much time for fun, short of being a fun person who finds enjoyment in the little things.
That’s a nice way to live, and it can sustain us, for awhile. Raising little kids is full of cute, funny moments. Personally, I try to “bank” those by being really present, and letting the sweetness of certain moments fill my cup. Gratitude can also sustain us, for awhile. It can keep us in a positive headspace when we’re bogged-down by responsibilities, or struggling in isolation. Anything to keep the happy chemicals flowing post-partum is where it’s at.
But as our babies grow into toddlers, and toddlers grow into full-on little kids, they start needing less hands-on care, and the personal time we’ve missed having for so long becomes more available.
We may start wondering what else life has in store for us. Asking ourselves this question can lead to a process of fits and starts as we find ourselves in a new phase of mothering: one in which we get to do stuff we like again.
But we’re not like the person we were when we had more free time, prior to having this child. Our friendships have changed, our work-life is different, our hobbies are, what again? And the time we have to do our own thing isn’t necessarily when a friend or partner can join in.
My own experience of this phase was heightened by the COVID-19 pandemic, when so much of our lives was spent away from people we love, upended, and put back together in some unusual, and some beautiful ways. But pandemic or not, we might be eager to self-actualize in this new phase of being Moms with both of our hands free. However, we don’t yet know what to do with the time we have.
Taking personal time can feel conflicting. An hour to ourselves can feel like a luxury, a sacrifice, and only a fraction of what really need to replenish, all at the same time. That’s a lot to hold, and given how overwhelming certain days can feel anyway, it can be easier on our hearts and brains to just stay busy with mindless tasks, or pop onto social for awhile. But then, we look up to find that free time is over. Our chance to recharge, or do something enriching slips away for that day, or that week.
Now, even if what we do with those times is “meh,” in the grand scheme of personal enjoyment, a break is a break. Not every chance we get to chill needs to include a peak experience. On certain days when I’m feeling depressed or overwhelmed, completing any task feels like a huge accomplishment. Even taking a nap can be victorious.
Sometimes a mindless chore, like emptying the dishwasher, can help me switch mental gears between being fully attentive with my son, and going off to do something else when my husband subs-in. If I stick around too long, I run the risk of my much-needed personal time getting pulled apart by those tiny little hands I love so much, or by the pile of laundry.
This is when having a go-to practice like Yoga makes a lot of sense and a very positive difference in our lives. I was recently inspired by a friend in AA, who is more devout about attending daily meetings because it’s what has kept her sober for over 30 years. She said, “if I had to decide whether I would go every day, I would still be sick. So when I wake up in the morning, I know I’m going to AA that day, and that’s final.” Many yoga practitioners I know have a non-negotiable daily practice, which is something I enjoyed earlier in my life, but have struggled to maintain since becoming a Mom.
That’s actually the core inspiration behind Yoga for Mom-Life, which in addition to this show, exists as an online membership for movement, relaxation, and validation for the struggles Moms have in common. I will say that much of Mothering is Yogic in nature, in that what we do is so much about presence, devotion, and connection. There is a lot of Yoga inherent in being a Mom. That being said, we benefit greatly from having a dedicated practice that helps us process the emotions, release the stress, and alleviate the aches and pains of it all. And that’s something scrolling on TikTok can’t do for us.
I made the yoga videos in my on-demand membership specifically for the moments when you’ve got a window of time to yourself, that you don’t know quite what to do with. Most of the practices are between 10-15 minutes long, and they’re really good at meeting us on our level and transporting us from the stressful and mundane while also helping us feel stronger, more balanced and more like ourselves.
So a go-to practice like Yoga made for Moms is helpful, and so are plans with a start time that gets you out of the house. Getting a ticket to an event, making a dinner reservation, scheduling an outing with friends, booking a fitness class, or seeing a movie. All these things, as you know, take a bit of up-front effort, but they pay off nicely when it’s time to say byeee to your loved ones, and you’re off doing something on your own, which protects your sanity.
As far as how much time to take, I generally advocate for taking more time for yourself. I learned in my first quarter of grad school that fathers tend to enjoy more leisure time than mothers (Kamp Dush et al., 2017), and I think it would be good for us as a society to start leveling that out a bit. So experiment with what feels good to you, and works in your family. Maybe two hours instead of 30 minutes is more OK for your family than you thought, or an hour instead of 15 minutes actually helps you relax, and not just catch your breath. Every weekend, my husband and I each take at least a couple of hours to ourselves, depending on our social plans. When we come back, we’re all smiles and ready to pick up where we left off. Try it out. See what works for you and the people in your household. It’s worth the effort!
As we raise young kids, we might draw a blank when someone asks, “so, what do you like to do for fun?” It can be a real deer-in-headlights moment for any adult, but especially for Moms. For us, the real answer might be something like, “I love taking showers when I can, snuggling with my child, buying stuff online, and falling asleep by 9!” And that’s OK. We can enjoy where we’re at, and be open to new (or old) things we find enriching as our mothering journey unfolds.
It may take awhile to be able to say, “I like doing x, y, and z,” because our whole being has become invested in caring for our child(ren), and that is also OK. It shows that you’re all-in on what is presently happening in your life, and that is very commendable. In fact, it’s a great example of being aligned with one’s dharma, one’s true path in life.
So, if you ever feel like you’re not having enough fun according to social media, or free-time is scary, it’s not because you’re lame now that you have a kid. It’s because your whole life changed, and you haven’t spent much time with this new version of you, yet. One of Yoga’s great texts on the concept of dharma is the Bahagavad Gita, and in it, Lord Krishna tells the distraught warrior Arjuna that when you know who you are, you will know what to do (Bhaktivedanta, 1982. Chapter 5, p. 291).
You will get to know yourself in this new phase of motherhood. When you know who you are now, you will know how to spend the time you get to yourself. The more you practice spending quality time with your Self, the more freeing your free-time will be.
***
If you’re ready for your breaks to give more than they take, visit me at yogaformomlife.com, and download your free sequence of yoga poses you can do while your kids play.
Thanks for listening, and tune in next Tuesday, AKA SuzDay.
It’s Yoga for Mom-Life, and it’s about time.
References
Bhaktivedanta, S. P. (1982) Bhagavad gita: As it is. Chapter 5: Karma Yoga (p. 275-306). Bhaktivedanta Book Trust.
Kamp Dush, C. M., Yavorsky, J. E., & Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J. (2017). What are men doing while women perform extra unpaid labor? Leisure and specialization at the transitions to parenthood. Sex Roles, 78(11-12), 715-730. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-017-0841-0
